


Figuring Things Out

by FallLover



Series: It Started Out As a Feeling [1]
Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: All Human AU, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Depression, Hand Jobs, Homophobia, M/M, Modern AU, Nightmares, Oral Sex, Oral sex mention, Psychological Trauma, Sad Ending, Self-Esteem Issues, Sex, Suicidal Thoughts, blowjob, blowjob mention, reverse au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-16
Updated: 2019-03-18
Packaged: 2019-11-18 20:45:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18126272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FallLover/pseuds/FallLover
Summary: Niles spends his first night with Gavin - sexless, of all things - and has no idea what he is doing with this not-quite-a-relationship. But at least the blowjobs aren't bad. Gavin just wants to get off, but he has no idea what that's going to cost.





	1. Wake Up and See What You Don't Know

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [the problem with intent](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16766890) by [theslap (bigspoonnoya)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bigspoonnoya/pseuds/theslap). 



> This is inspired by theslap (bigspoonnoya)'s "the problem with intent", and is meant to take place immediately after that fic ends.

Niles didn’t fall asleep immediately. The bed was fine, as beds go. Even the cat hair wasn’t a bother. And Gavin didn’t snore, which was good.

            Gavin still had his back to Niles and, after Niles’ eyes adjusted to the dark, he could see Gavin’s back moving in the slow rhythm of sleep.

            Niles wasn’t entirely sure what he was doing there. This was definitely more than what he usually went for in a relationship.

            The emotional roller coaster of their conversation left him pretty tired, but Gavin wasn’t the Literal Worst, so that was something. Plus, there was always the chance for sex later and that wasn’t too bad. Although Niles _waiting around_ for it was… different.

            There was a heavy ‘whump’ on the bed and Niles looked to his feet to see a large brown cat walking up between him and Gavin. Niles couldn’t tell what breed it was in the dark. The cat sniffed Niles curiously, and Niles reached out slowly and let the cat smell him more. The cat finished and let Niles pet him for a bit, before he wandered up to the pillows. He found a spot on the pillows between Gavin and Niles – albeit far closer to Gavin – and curled up.

            Gavin murmured, but still seemed to be asleep. The murmur was inaudible and he didn’t move. Niles frowned and listened more. Maybe he did wake up? The murmuring stopped and Niles wondered if snoring was preferable. And realized no, it really wasn’t.

            Then he noticed that Gavin was shaking. Was he cold? They were both lying on top of the blankets and the room temperature was fine. Warm, for the season, and comfortable.

            “Stop…”

            Niles’ eyes widened at that. Gavin still hadn’t rolled over, and the word was quiet and half-slurred, like he was still asleep. Maybe this was an elaborate, badly made prank? Although Gavin had seemed too tired for that.

            “Please stop…”

            Niles had no idea what to do. He wasn’t the comforting type. He knew, intellectually, about nightmares and trauma. He never stuck around long enough to sleep next to anyone, so comforting someone through a nightmare or something similar wasn’t his forte, although he knew Connor used to have them sometimes.

            He knew enough about Gavin now that it could be any number of things. Clearly there was something about his relationship with his family. The man had Thanksgiving at the house of a work partner who he had at least some dislike for, rather than with any of his family or potential friends, and Niles knew from Gavin himself that Gavin had a poor relationship with his brother. He was a homicide detective, and from Niles’ interactions with Hank and basic intelligence, Niles knew that was always a… difficult experience. From Niles’ interactions with Gavin, he knew the man was desperate, had very low self-esteem, and was otherwise clearly work-obsessed. The apartment wasn’t disgusting, but wasn’t the most… well set up, as if the person living in it actually cared to make it a nice living space. There was no art, no pictures. No figurines or obvious libraries of porn magazines. No DVD shelf. It was functional. Which… didn’t say much about how its occupant looked at the world.

Whatever Gavin was dreaming about could be any number of likely sad, unfortunate things. Or maybe it was something ridiculous, that you’d laugh about later. If Niles were still as distant from it all as he was, he’d probably crack a joke and ask if Gavin was running from carebears or something in his dream. It was better than wondering what prompted a person like Gavin to say “Stop” and “Please stop” in his sleep.

            So he waited. Gavin didn’t make any more noises and the shuddering stopped. Niles eventually fell asleep.

* * *

Niles woke up first. It was a habit of working for a school. He never needed an alarm, except when he was _really_ high or drunk, and he was neither the previous night. It was Saturday, so at least he didn’t have to worry about going into work. He looked around the bedroom. There were blackout curtains on the room’s one window, though he could see a little bit of sunshine peeking in on the edges. It was enough light for him to see that Gavin was in the same position he was in when Niles got on the bed. On his side, facing away. The cat had moved to sit by Gavin’s stomach.

            Gavin was breathing easily in his sleep. Not murmuring. Not moving around. Niles could see he was wearing generic dark red boxers and a bland gray t-shirt. His hair was a bit of a mess, but that was expected. Niles got up carefully and headed to the bathroom. He wasn’t that worried about waking Gavin up, but for once he did think that maybe it would be nice to be quiet. Thankfully Gavin's toilet and sink were quiet. The bathroom was as bland as the rest of the apartment. Generic white walls, white tile floors. Regular clean countertop. Generic bath products. A cheap brand of cologne. Shaving materials. A small box of condoms and a container of lube under the sink.

            Niles left the bathroom. Gavin was still asleep.

            Niles walked into the main room, looking around. He didn’t get the best look at the apartment before. It was small. Not on the _too_ cheap side, but not on the over-the-top expensive side, either. There was just the one bedroom and a main room with a kitchen and a small living room space near the door. There was a TV stand with a decent television. Niles had no idea what salary a Detroit police detective had, but Gavin was pretty young to have garnered much ‘wealth’ from the life, and Niles couldn’t imagine it was all that much to begin with. Hank had a higher rank, a longer career, and a secondary income through his wife for at least a while to afford his house and raising Cole. At any rate, Niles wasn’t that surprised that the place wasn’t decked out in… he had no idea what he had expected, really. What did he even really _know_ about Gavin?

There was a desk off to the side of the main room, upon which sat a powered down laptop. Niles considered snooping, but didn’t feel up to it. There was a pile of folders near the laptop, which Niles briefly looked through; snooping through something that didn’t have a power switch wasn’t _that_ bad.

He shortly stopped snooping. He wasn’t going to throw up, but clearly the case files of a homicide detective didn’t make for lovely reading. Beyond that, there were no family or maybe friend pictures on the desk. No knick-knacks. Just the files and a pad of paper and some pens, and a garbage can beneath the desk. The chair by the desk was comfortable and clearly well-used. There were some small exercise weights on the floor near the desk and Niles rolled his eyes at them. Suddenly Gavin’s physique made more sense.

            He wandered towards the kitchen, looking around some more at the space. There was a tall cat tree near the couch, and some scattered cat toys, with a litter box nearby.

            The kitchen was clean, but not gorgeous. Generic apartment kitchen. Microwave, oven, fridge. Niles wasn’t surprised by the beer he found in the fridge, but he _was_ surprised to find the ingredients for salad, and some other vegetables. Even a container of tomato juice. Some eggs and frozen bacon. Cold cuts. It wasn’t old stuff – clearly Gavin shopped recently. Niles reasoned it was probably part of whatever exercise regimen Gavin stuck to. So far Niles had the picture of a man who had few, if any, hobbies, little to no social life, no family connections, with a focus on work and working out. Gavin likely wasn’t a health nut, but that he would at least know something about eating healthy to maintain his physique wasn’t surprising.

            As Niles wondered whether he should make breakfast, he spotted a book in the garbage. He frowned, the librarian in him feeling annoyed. He pulled the book out. It wasn’t dirty. The trash was taken out recently. The cover was ripped in half. The other half was in the garbage. Niles fished it out, too.

            “How to Make Friends” – was the title of this wonderful volume. Niles reasoned that it made sense that such a book would have its cover ripped apart in this apartment, and Niles imagined that if someone had given _him_ such a volume, he’d do the same, or at least similarly. As he moved to put it back in the trash, he noticed that there was handwriting on the inside of the cover. The tear was actually right through the writing, so he had to piece the cover back together to read it.

            “Happy belated birthday bro. Sure hope fags can read – Jon”, was the message on the inside.

            Ah. More evidence in support of destruction. Suddenly the family situation made more sense. He returned the book to the trash, wondering if he should just leave and set it on fire. He was confused by his reaction. He was used to homophobia – not that he was fine with it, but he was used to it. His annoyance with that was one thing. It was the fact that there was something… about him being annoyed on Gavin’s behalf, almost. It was odd.

            All in all, the apartment was not the pleasantest of pictures of Gavin. During Niles' reflection before texting Gavin, he realized that his earlier cold assessment of Gavin’s desperation was… dispassionate. He hadn’t fallen for the man, but still. This whole place only made Gavin’s desperation more obvious. Work-obsessed – and with quite difficult work. The kind that gives you nightmares (maybe). No hobbies. No connections. There weren’t even photos of friends, and Gavin hadn’t mentioned them at all, although admittedly Niles’ whole three conversations with Gavin outside sex had been sparing. Gavin didn’t seem like the type to be that friendly with people in general, kind of like Niles, although Gavin was clearly far less… charismatic. In _any_ way.

            Niles didn’t sign up for this. It was one thing to feel bad for using someone, and another to decide that the second stepping stone in getting over yourself was to throw yourself into an admitted unhealthy relationship of some kind with an equally if not more so unhealthy person.

            There was a meow and mutters. Another meow and Gavin growled, “All right, fucking asshole. I’ll fucking feed you. Fucking shit…” More cursing followed the cat out of the bedroom as Gavin emerged from the darkness, still in his boxers. His face was groggy and he wore his usual glare. He stopped when he saw Niles staring back at him and asked, “The fuck are you still doing here?”

            “I just woke up.”

            “…And you didn’t leave?”

            Niles didn't have a good response to that. The cat meowed again.

            “All right, fucking all right.” Gavin went to the countertop and pulled a can of cat food out of one of the cabinets. He opened it and emptied it into the food bowl on the floor. Gavin watched for a second, then washed out the can and put it in a recycle bin. He looked back at Niles, still glaring.

            “How did you know I didn’t like you?” Niles asked.

            “…The fuck?”

            “Last night. You said that you knew that I don’t like you. How did you know that?”

          Gavin's expression shifted to half-confused, half-annoyed, as he tried to parse what Niles was saying, all without coffee or being fully awake, after what was obviously a difficult and long work day. The cat ignored them both and continued eating.

            “...The fuck does it even matter?”

            “I just wondered if it was some observational cop thing or a self-esteem issue. I've initiated all of our intimate encounters, so it seems easier to surmise that I like you. Or maybe you picked up on my general disdain for relationships. But if it's a self-esteem thing, maybe you think someone like me wouldn’t like you, or you don’t think anyone would like you. Not like that. At least that’s how you framed it.”

            Gavin blinked at him, still parsing things. Niles didn’t quite think this through before saying it, but it seemed a bit obvious now.

            Gavin mashed a hand through his hair and replied, “It’s too fucking early for this. I’m going back to bed.” He walked away and vanished into the bedroom.

            Niles glanced at the clock and saw that it was almost 10 AM. He supposed that the other day was pretty hard on Gavin. Perhaps he should just leave. Waiting around for… something. Or sex, maybe, wasn't his usual thing.

            Gavin lay back on the bed, hoping he would fall sleep fast. He was still fucking tired. He didn’t expect Niles to still be there. Was amazed that Niles even got into the bed with him.

            _Maybe you think someone like me wouldn’t like you, or you don’t think anyone would like you_.

            Gavin frowned. Well… so what? It was pretty obvious that Niles wasn’t into him. Gavin couldn’t quite explain _what_ was obvious about it. But it was. Gavin assumed Niles stuck around for sex, maybe? Although it seemed odd. He felt like Niles would just leave and come back or something if he wanted it.

            People like Niles didn’t like people like Gavin. And people like Niles consisted of… most people, really, although Niles was also in that category of ‘good looking people Gavin would _prefer_ to fuck’, who especially would not like someone like Gavin. That was just life. Gavin got over that years ago. The best he could hope for was that someone would be into his physique. At least it could get him the odd blowjob.

            Gavin knew he was a shit. Knew it and… well, ‘reveled’ in it wasn’t quite it. But he wasn’t… _ashamed_ of it. That certainly got him to go to Hank and Connor’s Thanksgiving, didn’t it? He was good at his job. And his job was his life. And that… that was fine. What good did moping about it ever do anyone, anyway?

            Gavin ended up falling asleep again. He _was_ fucking tired. When he woke up it was 1:45 PM and his phone was buzzing. He checked the caller ID, saw that it was Niles, and put the phone back down. Then he picked it up hurriedly as it stopped buzzing. He muttered, “Fuck.”

            He nearly dropped it when it started ringing again. He picked it up and said, “Yeah?”

            “Tomorrow. After dinner. Don’t eat anything with garlic. Your place.” Niles hung up and Gavin just stared into space for a bit, then checked his phone to make sure he didn’t imagine it. He texted Niles, “WTF”.

            “Do you have a hearing problem?”

            “Is this how u always do hook-ups?”

            “No. I usually don’t see the person after the first time. Count yourself lucky.”

            Despite himself, Gavin flushed a bit. He knew it was meant to be insulting. But it… it was nice. Niles didn’t have to do this. He didn’t _like_ Gavin. But he was still doing it. Gavin sobered when he realizes that tomorrow meant he had to wait all through Saturday and Sunday. He sighed and fell back on the bed. Maybe he could just sneak into the office for a bit tomorrow to look at something. That would help alleviate the boredom. Going to a bar was probably a bad idea, since there was always the chance Gavin could pick someone up, particularly if he got drunk, which he tended to do when he went to bars.

As if he'd had any luck with picking people up at bars before literally stumbling into Niles in a place Gavin wasn't supposed to be.

            This overanalyzing was driving Gavin nuts. He decided to go to the gym.

* * *

Gavin took an extra-long shower before Niles showed up. He even ate dinner super early so he had time. He cleaned _everywhere_. He didn't know what luck he stumbled into that Niles was still into him for another hook-up, but he wasn’t going to miss out on the potential of future opportunities. He shaved, he douched, did the works. He even stopped and got fresh condoms and a new thing of lube on his way back from the gym. The ones he had were fine, but maybe the new stuff would make Niles happier...?

            He sat and watched the news to pass the time, but ended up flicking through channels. The pundits pissed him off. Most things did. The crime shows, too. He hated the drama of them. The things they did wrong. He might not be the best detective out there, but he knew a lot more than the jackshit the writers of these shows did.

            He reviewed anything he might have missed. He had vacuumed the floor. Changed the sheets on the bed; he didn’t know if Niles wanted to use the bed, but in case he did…

            He fed Meatball already. Hopefully that meant the cat wouldn't bug them much.

            He even cleaned out the couch and cleaned the bathroom. His place wasn’t a sty. But… every little bit helped, yanno?

            He didn’t know if he should buy wine or scotch or something. He didn't tend to keep that kind of stuff around. He preferred cheap, easy-drunk beer. Less hassle.

            When there was a knock on his door, Gavin practically jumped out of his seat on the couch. He hurried to the door and opened it, blinking in surprise to see Niles standing there in his coat. He stepped aside so Niles could walk in. Niles looked around the place scrutinizingly, then pulled his jacket off and hung it on the coat-rack. Gavin closed the door.

            “So uh, how was your day?” Gavin asked, not knowing what to do.

            There were a number of reasons it was hard for Gavin to find someone to fuck.

            “Slow.” Niles wore a wool turtleneck. It looked ridiculously good on him and Gavin felt his face warm.

            Niles turned to him and looked him over, then walked to the bedroom. Gavin followed quickly. Niles looked around the room and turned the light on. The curtains were drawn. Meatball was on the bed, sleeping.

            Niles turned back to Reed and ordered, “Strip.”

            “Uh… okay. Hello to you, too.” Gavin pulled his shirt off. It wasn’t like he wore anything particularly ‘sexy’ for this. Just a normal, inoffensive t-shirt and some jeans. He threw the shirt in a corner of the room and felt slightly unnerved by and turned on by Niles watching him the whole while. Gavin reached down to his fly and Niles stepped forward, making Gavin pause. Niles brushed Gavin’s stomach with a hand, tracing the lines of his muscles. It was a curious touch, and it made Gavin shiver.

            “Why did you stop?” Niles asked.

            “Huh? Oh.” Gavin awkwardly pulled down the zipper on his pants and pushed his jeans down. He paused when he slightly jiggled Niles’ hand. “Uh…”

            Niles smirked. “Oh? Problem?”

            Gavin glared and just leaned down to push the pants down, knocking Niles’ hand away. He stepped out of his pants and tossed them aside. When he stood up he saw that Niles was shaking his hand in a mocked pained expression. His expression was impassive.

            “You’re so crude.”

            “No shit.”

            Niles eyed Gavin’s crotch, which was still covered by his boxers. “Forgetting something?”

            Gavin rolled his eyes. He still wasn’t sure what this was. It was kind of hot. Kind of not. He pushed the boxers down and stepped out of them, tossing them aside. Now he was nude in his own bedroom, and Niles was fully clothed, and they were just glaring each other down.

Gavin considered the fact that he hadn’t _quite_ had hate sex before, but this was _really_ looking to be one of those times.

            Niles let the moment linger a bit, then pushed Gavin to the bed. “Lie down.”

Gavin obeyed and Niles walked away for a minute. Gavin watched Niles grab the lube off the nightstand. Gavin swallowed, feeling a bit nervous. They’d still barely said anything to each other, other than thinly veiled almost-insults.

            Niles walked back around to Gavin’s legs and pushed him towards the pillows a bit. Gavin took the hint and scooted back. Niles got on the bed, straddling Gavin. His jeans brushed Gavin’s legs, giving him goosebumps. Niles settled back on his thighs and opened the bottle of lube.

“New? How thoughtful.”

            Gavin looked at the ceiling and rolled his eyes. Past him did not get that lube to hear Niles say what he’d said. Present Gavin had no idea what Past Gavin had wanted out of the whole idea, but it wasn’t _this_.

            “What’s your cat’s name? You never said.”

            “The f-it’s Meatball.”

            Niles snorted. “Why?”

            “Cause when he was a kitten he looked like a damn meatball.”

            “Are you sentimental, Gavin?”

            “Fuck you.”

            That was when Niles pressed a lubed finger into Gavin’s ass.

            Gavin yelped.

            “What were you saying?” Niles asked. He pressed in again. Hard.

            “Fucking shit…”

            Niles was slow but _hard_ with his finger, smiling wickedly as he watched the expressions on Gavin’s face. Gavin clutched at the bedsheets and his face scrunched up. Niles put the lube down and lay his free hand on Gavin’s stomach. He didn’t seem ready to take off his clothes, though. He just took his time fucking Gavin’s ass with his finger, and Gavin shuddered with every twist. When Niles took his finger out to relube it, Gavin was breathing heavily and half hard. Niles stuck two fingers in this time, and found and stroked Gavin’s prostate as he yelped more.

            “How old is Meatball?” Niles asked as Gavin yelped even louder than before.

            “Four. Fucking fuck, dude, could we not talk about my fucking cat while we’re doing this?”

            “Well he’s kind of staring.”

            “He’s a fucking cat. He licks his ass for a living.”

            “True.”

            Niles thrust extra hard with his fingers and Gavin groaned.

            “So what’d you do today?” Niles asked.

            “Fucking-why do you fucking care?”

            “Just making small talk.”

            “If you’re that fucking bored, why don’t you leave?”

            “Oh you want me to stop?”

            “Fuck no.”

            Niles smiled at him. He increased the pace of his finger movements and Gavin’s breathing quickened. His dick was fully hard and he was wondering just why Niles was doing this. What, he just wanted to finger Gavin's ass? Yeah, he'd apparently enjoyed it for some reason _last_ time, but Gavin just figured it was a comeback for how they were talking. His thoughts vanished as Niles quickened the pace even more and Gavin threw his head back and moaned. Precome spurted from his dick and he didn’t even notice.

            Niles eventually lightly scraped his fingers down Gavin’s chest and that was enough to make Gavin lose it. Niles backed away as Gavin came all over his stomach, moaning loudly.

            “F-f-fucking shit…”

            “Well I thought I could do that but I still wasn’t sure it would actually work. You really are into me aren’t you?”

            Gavin didn’t have it in him to glare at Niles. He did pull one hand up to lightly flip the other man off, though, before dropping his hand back down.

            Niles pulled his fingers out and wiped them on Gavin’s thigh. _That_ made Gavin glare.

            “I have tissues, you prick.”

Niles simply grinned as he pulled his shirt off. He tossed the shirt away before unbuckling his pants and pushing them down. He stood up so he could kick them off.

            “I didn’t think you were the type to go commando,” Gavin commented. Actually seeing Niles’ cock this time made him remember just how big he _felt_ the last time. It was… Intimidating wasn't a good word.

            “Figured it’d save time,” Niles said as he got back on the bed. He picked up one of the condoms he grabbed from the nightstand and pulled it onto his cock, then lubed it up. Niles scooted up to Gavin and spread his cheeks so he could position himself. He was slow this time as he thrust his way in. Gavin cried out with every thrust, crushing the sheets against his fingers. His knees tightened around Niles’ chest and he had to work not to crush the man.

            Niles ate up every expression, every sound. He pulled Gavin’s legs towards him, crushing their bodies together until he was fully seated and Gavin gave the loudest cry yet.

            “Your neighbors going to be bothered?”

            “Fucking-shit they’ve heard worse, probably. Lady upstairs is mostly deaf. Next door is empty. Other side— _fuck—_ works late.” Gavin had his head slightly turned to his left, and was cringing between moans and clutching the bedsheets.

            Niles rode it out, picking up the pace. He liked it last time. He liked seeing Gavin come apart. They didn’t have to rush – they had all the time in the world, unlike Thanksgiving – but he was in a nice place at the moment. He noted that Gavin was already getting hard again. Desperation did seem to be an odd tonic to refractory periods.

Meatball scrambled off the bed at some point, likely disliking the bouncing and loud noise. Niles noted that the bed was pretty good for this. It wasn’t the most expensive piece of furniture on the market, maybe, but it was nice and solid, and didn’t make a ton of ridiculous noise. The sheets were pretty soft, too. He liked the way he could see Gavin’s fingers crushing them. He liked watching Gavin’s muscles strain at what was happening.

            Niles pressed in on one really good thrust, and noticed that Gavin had finally looked back at him. Niles couldn’t quite parse what expression Gavin was making, but whatever his brain was coming up with left him with a vague feeling of frustration. Niles increased his pace as a result, pulling Gavin’s thighs to him and making Gavin cry out. Gavin bounced on the bed with Niles’ pace and spewed out a litany of curses. More precome already covered his stomach.

            When Niles finally came, he pressed down into Gavin. His forehead touched Gavin’s shoulder. He could smell sweat and cologne and hear Gavin’s heavy breathing next to him. Gavin came shortly after – Niles heard the hitch in his breathing and felt the liquid on his stomach.

            “S-s-sorry,” Gavin said, letting his head fall to the bed. “Was just… caught up…” Gavin was breathing heavily, staring at the ceiling. “Fucking shit…”

            Niles didn’t respond, letting himself relax a bit on Gavin, and fully finish. It was nice. Gavin wasn’t a terrible pillow. When Gavin reached out to brush Niles’ shoulder with his fingers, Niles pulled away and out, tying the condom off and tossing it into a nearby trash bin. He grabbed a tissue from the nightstand to wipe off his stomach. Most of it got on Gavin, but he liked to be thorough.

            “You can use the shower if you want,” Gavin said as he sat up. “Or whatever.”

            “I think I’ll head home,” Niles said. “Work tomorrow.”

            “Oh yeah…”

            Niles pulled his clothes on without looking at Gavin, who hadn’t gotten up from the bed and just lay there, covered in everything, his elbows propping him up.

            Gavin pulled his legs up with a cringe and grabbed tissues to wipe his stomach off.

            As Niles finished putting his shoes on – he was always been fast getting dressed – Gavin said, “Well thanks… then… See you around?”

            Niles blinked and considered his response. He looked back at Gavin, who was sitting on the edge of the bed, not looking at Niles, but instead at the floor. Niles rolled his eyes and replied, “Yeah. I’ll call you. Thanks.”

            Niles headed out, shutting the apartment door behind him.

            Gavin got up and walked to the shower. As he washed, he considered that his ass would probably hurt a lot tomorrow. It felt like the fingering had taken forever. And Niles had gone at it like it was a literal job or something that he planned to do perfectly. The whole thing felt... almost clinical. Somehow it still turned him on, though. He couldn't recall anyone who'd gotten that much out of just watching him react.

            As he thoroughly washed his stomach, he considered that at least if Niles didn’t contact him again, he had more wankbank material. The thought helped him ignore how, despite Niles’ focus, the guy made it seem like the whole encounter was an errand he had to run. One more thing on the to-do list to get done for the day. Gavin didn’t think this was how Niles secretly showed affection. He definitely wouldn’t say they were dating.

            Niles _had_ said he’d call. He’d said “yeah” to “See you around?”

            That was enough. It had to be.


	2. The Motions Can Suck It

The next time Niles showed up, he asked for a blowjob. Gavin happily agreed. He didn’t even give a shit if he got to come. He was just happy Niles called and set up the time. Gavin gave it his all, and ignored how he was basically a golden retriever to Niles’ presence, even if their interactions were still, at best, thinly veiled insults mixed with moans of climax.

            Niles sat on Gavin’s couch with his pants undone and pushed down and Gavin between his legs. Niles’s head was resting on the back of the couch and he held a lit cigarette in his free hand. He used his other hand to control Gavin’s head as Gavin moved his mouth around Niles’ cock. Gavin left the control of the movement up to Niles, only swallowing or sucking his cheeks in to hopefully improve the experience.

            When Niles finally came he pulled Gavin to him and held him tightly, leaning down a little as his body shuddered. He could smell Gavin’s shampoo through the cigarette smoke. He finally released Gavin’s head and Gavin popped off Niles’ dick, breathing hard, come dripping from his lips. He sagged into Niles’ left thigh, panting. “F-f-fuck…”

            “Not bad,” Niles said, before taking another swig of his cigarette. He reached over to put it out on an ash tray on the couch arm. He was curious why Gavin hadn’t started to hump the carpet like he did the last time they were in this situation. Maybe he expected Niles to do something? He hadn’t planned to. He could tell Gavin was hard from the slight squirm of his body. But he didn’t even try to hump Niles’ leg.

            “Something wrong?” Niles asked, looking down thoughtfully at Gavin.

            Gavin’s face was flushed a dark red. “N-n-no… nothin’s fucking— _shit_ …” Gavin covered his face with one hand and put his free hand briefly on his crotch before pulling it away again.

            Niles rolled his eyes. What, now he was embarrassed? It was… kind of cute, Niles supposed. He leaned over and reached down, pushing his free hand into Gavin’s jeans, making Gavin blink and moan in surprise. Gavin pressed his forehead into Niles’ thigh as Niles worked him over. It took barely any time before Gavin finally came with a gasp. Niles pulled away and leaned back on the couch, watching Gavin thoughtfully. Gavin’s flush had somehow darkened and he was looking at the ground, still leaning on Niles’ leg.

Niles wasn’t sure how much longer he wanted to let this whole thing continue. He was already deep into uncharted territory.

            Casual sex was easy. Casual sex was a phone call and then a deletion, or maybe a blocked number. Casual sex was a hotel he never revisited. Casual sex was a face he never learned to recognize. Casual sex wasn’t a list of ever-increasing details into the life of someone he shouldn’t give two shits about. And maybe this was still casual sex. It certainly wasn’t _dating_. It was just… strangers but with benefits.

            He reasoned that a few more blowjobs wouldn’t hurt. Gavin wasn’t execrable at it. And taking the flirting prior to a new hookup out of it made after-work blowjobs better.

            Niles grabbed some tissues to clean his hands off before putting himself back in his pants and zipped up his fly. Gavin pushed himself away and moved so he could lean against part of the couch where Niles wasn’t sitting, so Niles had room to move. Niles stood up and straightened his clothes just before Gavin asked, “So… wanna watch some TV or something?”

            Gavin had no idea what else to say.

            “Naw,” Niles replied, cooly. “I should get home.” Niles straightened the rest of his clothes and said, “Thanks.” And then he left.

            When Niles was gone, Gavin told himself that it didn’t matter than Niles casually turned him down. He told himself that Niles actually reached out and jerked him off of his own volition. Gavin had intended to just wait until Niles was gone. He wondered if Niles just wasn’t into Gavin coming while Niles was getting a blowjob. He was nervous that his second orgasm last time had turned Niles off. But he just couldn’t tell. He got up to get himself some water. His throat was too dry.

* * *

 

            Gavin almost had a panic attack the first time he had to cancel meeting with Niles. He was still about as annoyed as he was the first time Niles came over to his place. He had no idea what they were doing. Niles had come over to his place a couple times. They had sex. Niles left. Niles always initiated, in part at least because Gavin was nervous about trying to initiate. He was worried that he’d scare – or just piss – Niles off with the attempt.

            Gavin sent the text to Niles about the cancellation before going into a pile of paperwork. Gavin hoped that would lessen the pain of it all. Work was work.

            He got home late to an apartment with just a cat in it. No one waiting at his door. No sticky notes saying “missed you”. No text message saying “ah well, next time, and soon” or some schmaltzy nonsense that someone with a bad imagination and a desperate need to get off might think up. He was tired and grouchy, and any apology text message or call he made would reflect that, so he didn’t say anything else. He just fed Meatball, took a shower, and went to bed.

            When Niles called a few days later about another hookup, Gavin nearly jumped out of his chair at work. Hank gave him a stinkeye and Gavin glared back before going out to the lobby and then out of the building to answer the call.

            Niles was barely in Gavin’s apartment and the door barely shut behind him before Gavin dropped to his knees and started unbuckling Niles’ belt.

            “…Hello to you too.” Niles smiled and leaned back on the door as Gavin put his mouth on Niles’ cock. “Slow down,” Niles said with a chuckle. “I don’t want you to eat me.” He put a hand in Gavin’s hair and tugged Gavin’s head to a slower pace. He didn’t stop Gavin entirely. He liked whatever this was. He hadn’t met many people _that_ hungry for cock. He knew they existed, but well… He could appreciate that this was something special. Eventually he put his head back and moaned softly as Gavin took in more of him.

Gavin had one hand on Niles’ leg and reached out with his free to touch Niles’ hand in his hair, lightly squeezing before letting go.

            Niles took the hint and started guiding Gavin more into a rhythm Niles liked. He  bounced against the door but didn’t care. He could see tears in Gavin’s eyes and hear the wet noises from his throat, interspersed with quick breaths. He drank it all in.

            After he finally came and Gavin backed off, they both panted for a bit. Gavin had his head down and leaned a hand on the door. Niles started putting himself back in pants, but paused when he noticed Gavin flinch.

            “Something wrong?”

            “No,” Gavin said as he pulled away. He pushed himself up and straightened his shirt before wiping his mouth off. “No. Just fine. Sorry if I surprised you or something.”

            Niles finished straightening his pants as Gavin went to the kitchen and poured himself some water. Niles frowned. He felt… edgy. What this was had been fast, and… he had free time.

            “Do you want… to watch some TV?” Niles asked. He had no idea what Gavin was into. No idea what was even on this time of day or what Gavin had access to.

            Gavin looked back at him in surprise, and eventually said, “Uh I mean… yeah. Yeah. Sure. That’s. Yeah.”

            Meatball was sitting on the couch and Niles sat nearby to pet him. Gavin turned on the TV and offered him the remote. Niles flipped for a bit before leaving it on a special about coral reef bleaching and Gavin didn’t protest. They sat back and quietly watched, with both men occasionally petting the cat.

            “Did you want anything to drink?” Gavin asked.

            “No, I’m fine, thank you.”

            Niles barely noticed the documentary. He had no idea what this relationship was. It always came back to that. If he was being honest, he didn’t like it much, whatever it was. Watching academic shit in his free time was normal, with his friends or Connor. But this was Casual Sex Gavin. His not-boyfriend. He cringed inwardly to even think of the term. His stranger-with-benefits. That… that worked.

            He was still edgy. Like he shouldn’t just leave. Gavin had asked him to watch TV before. Was it so bad to just do that?

            Niles realized he was getting angry long before he dropped the remote and moved over to Gavin, pressing their mouths together. Meatball scrambled off the couch with a growl and Niles ignored him. His hands were under Gavin’s shirt, feeling his muscles. He liked that feeling. Gavin was no bodybuilder, but there was something nice about being able to feel all those muscles.

            Niles didn’t like that he liked the feeling. That he’d been looking for it. Not just happened to find it on the body of someone he’d just met. It made his kisses harder. His questing fingers sharper.

            Gavin didn’t make any protests. Made no noises other than the moans. He had his hands in Niles’ hair, on his shoulders, around his stomach. He tried to reach inward, but Niles pushed him aside to reach more of Gavin. He pressed Gavin to orgasm again, feeling him fall apart with heavy shudders, swallowing every gasp and moan.

            When Niles pulled away he said, “You must ruin a lot of pants with me, huh?”

            “F-f-fuck you…”

            Niles grinned. This wasn’t dating. It wasn’t romance. It was chemicals. It was getting through stress. It was blowing off steam.

            It was just easier this way than alternatives right now.


	3. Reaching Out is Helpful But Damn is it Hard

If Gavin was honest, his life didn’t feel that different.

It _was_ different. He could tell.

Niles had started staying over at his place more and more, even spent the night. Gavin had visited Niles’ apartment a few times. It was about what he expected, in that he had expected it to be nothing like he could imagine. A primary school librarian’s salary wasn’t palatial, after all, but Niles made do. It was in a decent neighborhood, not too far from Gavin’s place. The interior was well-kept and clean. There weren’t bongs and paraphernalia everywhere, at least.

Niles didn’t have any pets, but he’d commented that he’d had a cat a while back, and hadn’t gotten a new one since she passed.

More to the point, Niles had a pretty nice bed. For whatever reason, Niles preferred to go to Gavin’s place, even if Gavin’s apartment was definitely not as nice. Niles even started keeping some spare clothes over at Gavin’s.

The sex was still pretty good. Arguably. Gavin had given more blow jobs in the past few months than he had in years. Niles - in his own way - seemed to get something out of them after a long day at work. And he liked experimenting in the bedroom, too. Seeing just how much he could drive Gavin crazy. Gavin was still easily wiped out by even the slightest actions on Niles’ part.

They didn’t get fancy dinners or cuddle on the couch or write cute text messages. Niles never visited Gavin at work, and Gavin didn’t dare visit Niles’ work.

Hank wasn’t angry like Gavin expected when Niles started spending more time with Gavin. Gavin expected to be beaten up in an alleyway or something. Doubtless Hank had figured out something had happened on Thanksgiving. He kept expecting the other shoe to drop. But Hank didn’t do anything more than ask, “So are you and Niles dating now or something?”

Gavin had shrugged and Hank had rolled his eyes, but not pressed any farther than that. For some reason, Gavin felt embarrassed. If it were anyone else, Gavin would have said yes, they were dating. Niles was staying at his place most of the time, wasn’t he? Wasn’t that what people who fucked on a regular basis, occasionally watched TV together, frequently shared a bed, and kept up regular text “conversations” all at the same time said?

Connor still visited Hank at the station on occasion, but he made sure to greet Gavin when he did. Gavin had no idea how to deal with the visits. It was weird seeing Connor now that Gavin was far more familiar with Niles. It was like seeing a version of Niles through a foggy mirror. For all that everything about Niles did _everything_ to Gavin, Connor… did nothing. He was attractive, and Gavin could tell he was ‘sweet’. But Gavin wasn’t getting a hard-on for the man, for all that he was arguably a carbon copy of Niles.

Connor didn’t talk to him about Niles, beyond the occasional, “Niles said you had a cat. That’s nice. I know Niles has been missing his.” So Connor obviously knew. If Connor knew anything about what happened at Thanksgiving, he didn’t say. Gavin was almost more terrified of what Connor would do. Hank, at least, was a known quantity. On the other hand, with Connor, if Gavin had learned anything from Niles, it was that people who worked at primary schools could be their own sort of terrifying in ways he’d never see coming.

Tina was always asking for details once Gavin let it slip. She’d half-guessed anyway, given how much more time he was giving to staring at and typing on his phone these days.

“So who’s the unlucky fuck?” Tina asked with a gleeful expression. “And when do I meet him?”

Gavin snorted. “It’s not a big thing, Tina. He’ll probably be gone before you get the chance.”

Tina considered him for a bit. “Huh. Well… keep me posted.”

Work was the same. Well… mostly. Hank finally retired and Gavin went to the ‘retirement party’ and then back to his desk to do paperwork because that was who he was, and Hank didn’t say anything about it. And Chris Miller did the awkward “I hope this is a great partnership!” or something that Gavin only paid half attention to. Chris took Hank’s old desk. Connor stopped showing up without Hank there to show up for.

Tina had asked if he wanted to get drunk or something that night. Gavin had lied and said he had plans. Tina grinned, held his shoulder with a hand and said, “Remember to use protection, okay?” Gavin had smacked her arm away, flipped her off with a grin on his face, and walked away. Then he got drunk on his own. Why, he had no idea. Niles didn’t come over that night.

Sometimes Gavin would come home exhausted. He’d given Niles a key, and Niles - if he was over - had been back from work long since. He didn’t give Gavin massages, which Gavin hadn’t expected anyway. He didn’t coo over Gavin and ask how bad his day was. He’d still ask for details - curious fucker that he was - and Gavin would stay close mouthed beyond the very basics that he was allowed to talk to civilians about. Sometimes Niles even left to just give Gavin privacy, which Gavin could appreciate, at the least. It was probably the most emotionally present thing Niles did.

Perhaps that was the problem. Gavin liked the sex. He really did. He’d been getting used to the idea of not going home to an empty apartment (the cat being excluded). He liked being able to text more than just Fowler (for work), Chris (for work), or Tina (for anything). He liked eating meals with someone on the rare occasion Niles stayed over or brought food or they ordered out.

And if he was being honest with himself, he realized there must be something about him that kept Niles coming back. It wasn’t like Gavin was a blowjob god or something. But Niles was impenetrable. At times he seemed emotionally vacant. At other times, exasperated or angry. He wasn’t abusive. In many ways he was pretty damn kind. Sometimes he’d make them both coffee or tea. He’d watch whatever shit Gavin felt like watching without comment. He’d feed the cat.

It was an odd feeling to realize that someone wanted to stay with him for a prolonged period of time without being required to.

Unless it _was_ just obligation. Unless Niles still felt guilty that he’d “used” Gavin on Thanksgiving, knowing he didn’t like Gavin, knowing Gavin liked him.

And Gavin had said he didn’t care. The sex was worth it. The level of companionship… that was worth it. Wasn’t it?

A lot of the time, the problem had nothing to do with Niles. Gavin just started realizing that his own life was pretty damn boring. He knew that already, but he didn’t think about it. He’d go to the gym - which always paid off in the bedroom; Niles seemed to really appreciate his physique. He’d come home and watch TV. He’d pet the cat. He’d clean. He’d check on work. Sometimes he’d go out for a beer with Tina, or maybe a movie. Tina had her own life, with plenty of friends and a new beau she’d been courting for a while. Gavin didn’t want to completely drown her in his needs. That wasn’t what friends did.

And that was it for Gavin’s non-work life.

Niles had friends. Not that Gavin wanted to pry. But Niles would sometimes talk about them. Gavin hadn’t gone with Niles to any social gatherings - they weren’t _dating_ like that, after all - but Gavin knew when Niles went. Niles would talk about work. About school events.

Was Gavin miffed that Niles was arguably… ashamed of him? Not really. Gavin knew he wasn’t a catch. He wasn’t great at social gatherings. He wasn’t interesting, beyond apparently questions about his job, which Gavin couldn’t talk much about. He was gruff. Abrasive. Antagonistic. He wasn’t brilliant, like Niles or Connor. He wasn’t charming. He wasn’t hip. ‘Muscular’ wasn’t usually _the_ draw in regard to social climbing. There were many reasons Gavin didn’t have many friends, in or out of work. But shame was probably a bit of a reach concerning Niles’ opinion of Gavin. Ambivalent. Uncaring.

And that was fine. He was still there, wasn’t he? He still slept over. Still had sex. Hung out, in the sense that two people with relatively little in common could hang out without going to movies or on trips or anything. They talked politics sometimes, and Gavin would genuinely listen to Niles, for all that his opinions grated on Gavin’s. Gavin knew the same was true in reverse, but he liked listening to Niles talk. Whether it was Niles’ voice or the way he looked at the world or just… hearing him rip something apart. It was nice. He’d talk about books. About projects he was making for school. About something new with Connor and Hank.

Gavin listened to Niles’ podcast recommendations while he was at the gym. Read books Niles had recommended during his lunch break, glaring at anyone who raised an eyebrow at him for it. Gavin, gym bro and ass wipe seemingly with the IQ of an amoeba, reading books for _fun_?

And Gavin wished he had something to offer in return. Besides the blow jobs. Sometimes Niles just liked to watch him work out at the apartment, likely because Gavin did it almost nude and Niles could move his eyes over Gavin’s muscles hungrily. It made Gavin shiver with want when he did that and feel pleasure all over. He offered to go running or biking with Niles a number of times, but Niles refused physical activity outside of fucking, and Gavin gave up on it.

It took Gavin far too long to get the courage to try and make more friends at the station. He’d been there for years, knew most of these people in the way you knew people you worked with but never _really_ interacted with. He knew he had a reputation. Maybe it was his brother being an asswipe that finally did it. Maybe it was realizing how lonely he felt without Niles around on those days when Niles stayed at his place or was just busy and Tina was busy, too.

He’d been looking up ways to make friends at those times he was alone in his place, with no one but his sleeping cat for judgment. It’s not like he’d _never_ tried to make friends. It just wasn’t necessary for the damn job. He glared at his computer the whole while, terrified Niles would come in at any minute and… well… he didn’t know. Make fun of him? Roll his eyes? Go to the bathroom?

He started by buying donuts and leaving them in the break room. He didn’t want to be too obvious about it. The first time he did it, Tina asked him what the occasion was. Was he going to eat the whole thing in front of them or something? He flipped her off and set the box down in the break room, then went back to his desk. Word went around - of course it did with free food, and donuts, to boot - and there were a few awkward thank yous sent his way. People gave him weird looks. More questions about what the occasion was. Gavin just shrugged.

Chris commented, “That was nice, Gavin! Thanks for bringing those in!” Gavin had simply shrugged and gone back to work.

Gavin had no idea what to make of Chris. They barely spoke to each other before becoming partners. Chris was nice to everyone, and had tons of friends. Their interactions prior to partnership had been limited to Chris greeting him or saying goodbye on his way out from work. Chris just seemed… too cheerful, for someone like Gavin. The guy was good at his job, at least. Their partnership was icy, and Gavin knew he was largely to blame. Chris tried to... bond? He talked about his wife, their baby daughter, staying up late, movies, whatever. Gavin just hadn’t... warmed up to him yet. He couldn’t relate to the whole ‘happy family with kids’ thing, let alone Chris’ optimism. Chris worked out at home, and did it more as a job-related thing, not so much as a hobby. He just wasn't into it like Gavin was. He had no desire to talk to the man about Niles. So they talked about work. And only work.

It was another couple days before Gavin brought in donuts again. No fanfare. Nothing. Just set the donuts in the break room and went back to his desk. He wouldn’t do it every day. He couldn’t afford that. And he wasn’t doing it just because people stopped saying thank you. Just… because. He could. It was a nice thing to do. When he was younger he’d appreciated any free food he could get on a frazzled day. There were more thank you’s this time, and Gavin waved them off, hoping he wasn’t too flushed.

“You lose a bet Gavin?” Tina asked. Gavin flipped her off.

When Gavin did it again, Chris asked if he wanted to start a food rotation. As he explained, people sign up to bring things in, everyone benefits, no one gets dunked on for a bill. Plus, people could put in requests, allergens, and the like.

“Why… are you asking me about this?”

“Well, the donuts are a nice idea.”

“Oh.” Gavin blinked at him. “Sure. I guess.”

Chris smiled at him and Gavin wanted to sink into the floor. It was very weird. He wanted to go punch something. He went straight to the gym after work.

The food rounds _did_ get more people to talk to him. Discussing timing and what to bring. Where to go for the best food and the best prices. His emails and texts grew more numerous.

“You’re popular these days,” Niles commented one night as they sat on the couch watching a documentary on the Great Pacific Garbage Patch (Niles’ choice). Gavin’s eyes had barely left his phone.

“It’s just… a work thing.”

“Oh? Another thing you can’t talk about?”

“No just… some people are setting up this food thing where people bring in food for everyone. Sort of like an ongoing potluck, so there’s always snacks.”

“And… you’re cooking for this?”

“No, I just… bring donuts.”

“Huh.”

Gavin’s face was flushing red, but Niles didn’t comment on it.

The first time someone from the precinct invited him to go with their group to get beers, Gavin was almost unable to reply due to his surprise.

“Uh… yeah, sure.”

It wasn’t terrible. It wasn’t a life-changing experience, at least like in the movies. They chatted. Gavin mostly listened. Downed some half-decent beer. Made some bad jokes that some people smiled at.

He was invited again another day. And again. He was still awkward, but he went. Sometimes Tina was there, too, at least making things easier.

People at the gym started recognizing him, and not just in the “that dude’s taking up my machine” way. It made sense that other cops in the area would use that gym, but Gavin had never spoken to them before. Now they waved as they got on the machines, as they pass in the showers. Some of them even checked him out and gave him compliments. It was like all those years of wearing deep v-necks were for nothing; all he had to do was be sort of nice in a really, really mild way.

It was nice. To be liked. To be talked to. He worried sometimes that his reputation as a stone cold badass was in danger but the more sensible part of him knew no one ever really thought that anyway and he wasn’t _too_ worried. It was more and more obvious that, in their own way, plenty of people respected him. And they made it clear as they got closer and knew him better that if they didn’t before, they respect him now.

Gavin’s work was his life. And his work was still grim and gruesome most of the time. But there were more people in it.

It was just starting to be more obvious that despite the fact that he was dating one of the sexiest guys he’d ever met, who was great at sex, that his love life was… pretty damn empty.


	4. When We Shatter

It’s a lot of things and nothing. It’s things happening all at once and things that should but don’t happen at all. It’s words we can’t get out in the right order or at the right time, or a lack of tact. It’s feelings we want to relate but can’t explain. It’s how relationships can fray.

            It’s the looks Gavin noticed more and more on Niles’ face when they’re together. When Niles angrily thrust into him in Niles’ shower and Gavin jokes, “You’d think you didn’t like this.” And Niles didn’t respond.

            It’s glancing up during a blowjob and seeing Niles move to take a puff of his cigarette and seeing his expression that’s somewhere between a glare and… something Gavin couldn’t describe.

            It’s asking, outright, if Niles doesn’t like what they’re doing, and Niles replying, “If I hated it, I wouldn’t come over, would I?”

            It’s Gavin inviting Niles to come with him to meet with some other off-duty cops and their SOs at a bar one night and Niles saying, “Sorry, I’m busy,” and Gavin saying, “It’s all right, I get it.”

            It’s Gavin not explaining that it took him a lot of courage to ask that question, because he figured Niles wouldn’t want to go anyway, particularly if he would be labeled as Gavin’s SO. It’s Gavin wondering if the latter part is why Niles said no. It’s Gavin knowing that Niles doesn’t care for cops much, but maybe it’s that Niles doesn’t care to know Gavin’s friends. There’s a lot of reasons Gavin hasn’t had Tina meet Niles. One of them is that if Niles didn’t like her, what that might mean about things. He’d never break his friendship with Tina off, but if she started talking to him about Niles, maybe negatively… it would probably just make everything worse.

            It’s Gavin thinking he’s overanalyzing things. Niles has a right to be busy. Sometimes things just don’t work out. It’s not like Gavin had asked him to go to events before. There’s always next time.

It’s sitting on the couch with Niles at Niles’ place, watching some comedy show, and Gavin moving over to lean against Niles’ shoulder. It’s Niles moving away to lean on the couch arm. It’s Gavin awkwardly leaning the opposite direction, fumbling for his phone to have something else to look at and focus on.

            It’s Gavin finally going with Niles to some meetup with Niles’ friends – Niles had offered once before, and Gavin’s therapist said it might be a good idea to try going – where Gavin felt like his throat was too dry and all sensible social cue knowledge left his brain. He didn’t understand half the things people were saying to him, but Niles was smiling and chatting people up and holding his own. It’s feeling old and crotchety in a group of people who were the same age as him. It wasn't one of those "kids these days" things. It was just that Niles' friends were a lot like him: smart and quick with a word. They knew the latest gossip and had interesting hobbies. They had plenty of funny jokes and interesting stories to share. Gavin felt like a lumbering rube. He didn't recognize the bands they talked about, and had never visited the places they wanted to go, or had gone to. They had degrees in subjects he couldn't wrap his head around - most were scientists, others were grad students - and Gavin struggled to make some kind of joke about it, half because it would probably be in poor taste, and half because it would just further flaunt his ignorance. He tried not to drink too much, even if it was the only thing he could do to keep his nerves down.

Niles introduced Gavin as his friend. So Gavin did the same. "I'm Niles' friend." If Gavin focused on the hostess, who was everywhere, making sure everything was going well, and one of the only people not asking about his job when the conversation turns to him, it doesn't hurt as much.

It’s Gavin taking a call from work about a case development and leaving early because he had to deal with it and being so grateful that happened. It’s Niles not getting annoyed about it, and seemingly even happy about it, and not bringing it up later.

            It’s staring at Niles’ full to the brim bookshelves and wondering what on Earth it is that Niles finds so fascinating about Gavin’s empty apartment that he preferred to meet up there most of the time. It’s asking Niles directly, for once, and getting the response, “It’s just easier,” and a shrug.

            It’s Gavin asking, “Are you even happy right now?” because he’s not a therapist and he has no idea how to ask these things. They’re sitting on Gavin’s couch, watching some show about blacksmithing – Gavin’s choice – after fucking in Gavin’s shower.

            Niles considered for a bit, before shrugging and replying, “The sex was good. Why? Are you unhappy?”

            It’s Gavin not replying and wondering what they would even do if he responded properly. If he said that, after looking through everything in his life, he wasn’t happy. So what? They end this… set-up they have? Gavin goes back to no hookups? An empty apartment with a cat in it? Gavin might have more ‘friends’ now, but it’s not like anyone is asking for his number when he goes to get coffee or leaves the gym.

            It’s remembering those nights Niles would read to him when Gavin was switching prescriptions and had horrible insomnia. It’s remembering how Niles would add commentary on the books, seemingly to make Gavin laugh. It’s Gavin thinking, this is what a relationship should be like.

            It’s Gavin thinking he has done absolutely nothing like that for Niles.

            It’s Gavin’s brother calling one day and Gavin yelling back at him over the phone, and Niles listening, coolly, sitting on the couch while Gavin is in the kitchen. It’s Gavin hanging up on the asshole and wanting to rip something apart and Niles asking, “Do you want me to stay?”

            It’s Gavin saying, “No, I’d probably just take it out on you somehow,” and Niles leaving instead of telling him off for it, I’m there for you, I want to help you, your brother is a shithead and I wish he was run over by a bus or something. It’s Gavin thinking Niles shouldn’t have to think those things. Niles shouldn’t have to want to be there for Gavin. That wasn’t what they agreed to. It’s cancelling the next hookup Niles asked about because Gavin decided a nice round of overtime at work is in order and he’d rather be there than at home.

            It’s his therapist saying, again, that communicating with the people you care about is important, and Gavin wondering why he had to pay someone else to tell him that, he knows that. He does. He’d started seeing a therapist because Niles had commented that _he’d_ started, and Gavin figured maybe it was a good idea, enough people had recommended it. He could always walk out if he didn’t want to go. He saw them before, in relation to work, as recommended by various supervisors. But only for those instances. He just didn’t see the point, really.

            It’s Gavin saying no to another outing with his work friends. For the third time. He just wasn’t in a great mood these days.

            It’s getting up in the middle of the night when Niles was over at Gavin’s, sleeping, and smoking a whole pack of cigarettes in his kitchen, staring at the clock.

It’s another awful case that he doesn’t want to talk to Niles about – even in the limited way he could, to offload – because people shouldn’t have to live with some of the things he sees at work, and it’s not Niles’ job, anyway. He reads books to kids and does other crap. Their work helped people in different ways, Gavin understood that. But it’s just not something they both needed to deal with.

It’s Gavin glaring at the television when Niles is over, the case running through his mind, until he noticed Niles was looking at him. It’s Gavin demanding, “The fuck are you looking at?”

            And Niles raising an eyebrow and stating, “Well someone’s in a _mood_.”

            It’s a lot of things Gavin doesn’t remember saying, but most of them are pissed off and yelled at high volume. It’s standing by his door, glaring at Niles, and saying ‘fuck you’ a lot.

            “I’m tired of your goddamn shit. You come here and you’re always angry and you just don’t _get_ anything and you’re always so-so—!” He’s scrabbling at his hair because he doesn’t have the words. He can’t imagine what picture he makes right now: red-faced, glaring, shaking, hair a proper mess. Meatball fled the room when the shouting started.

            “That’s funny, coming from someone whose resting face is a glare.”

            “Fuck you!”

            Niles sighed. “You started this, Gavin.”

            “Yeah? Well I’m fucking ending it too. Get the fuck out and don’t fucking come back!”

            It’s seeing the look of surprise on Niles’ face, before the wall of impassivity falls back down. Niles grabbed his coat and left, and Gavin stared at his own closed front door and felt like the world was shaking around him and maybe he’d explode with it and maybe that wouldn’t be a bad thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The story continues in "Confrontation" and "Let's Try This Again".


End file.
